So, I guess this will be my last entry...
I've got so much shit rolling around in my head, but I think I'll keep it up there after this, I've just gotten fed up with so much tonight... random thoughts seemed to pop into my head when this happened, like how I let people misguide me, make me believe I'm important, significant in some way, and then I let myself care... way too easily, and then that's taken away from me as fast as it was given to me...
And I'd love to be able to say all these things are in the past, but their not, because the past is creating my future...
I'm just walking in my own shadow, over, and over again...
I'm just so sick of caring for people, trying for people, why do I feel like I'm the only one bothering. Why do I let them get to me... I  get so upset, so shooken up
And I wake up the next day and pretend everythings okay... When will I wake up, and everything won't be okay anymore?
I've dealt with so much lately, it's made time seem so much longer than it really is.. I feel so much older than I really am
I've always thought I acted older than I really am...

Some more thoughts of mine... transparent to me.. opaque to you?

Insignificant other, why do you turn me into something I was never meant to be... how did you become you? Did you follow in someones footsteps too? Wait til the day, where my kind starts droppin like flies... Who do you turn to?
A world without gravity, is this what we want? Keep your head on your shoulders and your feet on the ground and we will go on.

 

 

DaTe:  June 28th, 2k4
TiMe: 4 somethin
MoOd: howabout i pour ya a nice tall glass of SHUT THE FUK UP! lol
MuSiC: blindside - all of us

yeah so i've had this song stuck in my head... work today is brutal, was brutal, will always be brutal.. well hopefully not always, just going through shAt over here i suppose
havent written in here in a bit... maybe thats cause i havent really had anything to write about, actually ya i did!last weekend consisted of me, jen & adam, sittin in a parkin lot in the car, shooting spitballs at seaguls, it was fuun thooo..and then i went to the old whitby psych, not for long but it was alright, looked up some stuff online,t'was perdy ferkin cool.. so i made a lil website aBoOt it.. this past weekend, umm, umm i cant even remember what i did lol.. thats sad.. wait, i remember going to partners to play pool with meee, diana, whitney, jen& adam..
right now im just sittin at work, takin a break, replyin to e-mail about this weekend.. not sure whats going on, i wanna partayy..
s2! is comin down from barrie tooo, and tabbie is coming down sooon tooo! i gotta go up to barrie and see s2 and ashie toooo... eventually
i took off half my nails today at work, ive had them on since prom, they looked StOOpid tho.. so i took them offsies
diana leaves for europe in a week, everyones goin away places, like roman! hes gone to virginia, beeyatch, maybe imjust jealous cause im stuck in the dirty shwa..how i hate this place, especially after i moved, i hate it.. im in bumfuk idaho, the boonies.. *sigh*
at least i get paid friday, and i should be havin a wikkid time this weekend, i hope.. i feel fat, i ate too much food for lunch
damn ppl at work tryin to feed mee ... er.. and and and, i wanna go to a concert soon.. im due for one, its been since like.. march dude! .. fukwait no.. april, poison the well and thursday and all that stuffs! i duno what im gonna do with my pay this friday... buy new shoes from west 49 or boathouse or... i saw a pair of etnies.. they were perrrdy.. teehee, anyways, clearly im rambling on, and clearly i scared off jen when i told her in my last e-mail that i was peeing... i meant i was goin to the bathroom sillyy!

okseeyoubuhbye!

(8) I'll begin to remember to be alive
So if you don't mind
I think I'll wear my heart on my sleeve,
'Cause I'm tired of not being able to breathe.
All of us are searching for an open arm.
Well, it's a shame how I curl up in the dark
When it's the same old word giving me the spark (8) <-- supposed to be music notes.. YA

 

 

 

DaTe:  June 10th, well its technically the 11th but fukit
TiMe: 12 something or other
MoOd: im super, thanks for asking ( nah, im not really super :p)
MuSiC: 36 crazyfists - slit wrist theory

*yawn* im tired, duno why im up typin up this bullshit
the days are going by so slow, i just want school to end, and next wednesday cant come soon enough... long story, not sittin here forever, if ur really THAT curious, ask me
my msns been a real dikfuk tonight, so half the ppl  i messaged probably didnt get my messages.. ooo and i found some concert pix from like almost 2 yrs ago  @ the dungeon here, with silverstein and summer hero and some other band, me and diana look baaad in those pix,ya diana, if ur readin this, you'd agree
mmhmm, so jen came over after class today, we did a whole lotta nothin, i think ill go to the mall this weekend and get new shoes since i gave her my brand new converses, ya thats right, brand new ... somehow, they're uhh.. too big on me.. :(
as for this weekend, i duno what im doin, i got invited out in maple (near canadas wonderland), but i duno if thats happening, i think im going to a party with someone on sat, who knows, annnnd, someone i know is coming down to ajax, but things are iffy so i duno what the hells goin on, k, these words look blurry, im goin to bed...

 

DaTe:  June uh, what the hell is the date?, 2004
TiMe: 6 pm
MoOd:
MuSiC:  (8) beat it upright (8) lol

sooo havent written in here in awhiiile, thats nothin new tho right
anyways, ppl have been asking me how prom was... and ill just say this, it sucked, what else... lol i wasnt expecting it to be great
schools almost out, i cant wait... it sucks
then ill be workin, which kind of sucks too, but at least im makin money and sh!t
not sure if i wanna go to europe next yr with the cash from this summer
its nice and sh!t but man so much money just GONE
im so bored, everyones working tonight, and whatnot
CK isnt entertaining anymore, just stupid... most of the ppl on there are stupid
i think i pisssed off dave today, i found it funny at the time but now i kind of feel bad, lol
tomorrow i get off @ 1 30... frig.. then wed i get togo to the HOSPITAL.. yey.. guh i hate those places
hmm, i think ill pass the time with this stupid survey soMeoNe sent me err

********************YOU, YOU,YOU********************
1. Nicknames: jess, jessie, acissej (yeah sorry whitney but that one is getting so old)
2. B-day: meh
3. Age: meh
4. Sex: sure
5. Social Security: wtf?
6. Where do you live: Shwa.. ew
7. What school do you attend: donevan.. ew
8. Siblings and their ages: christopher, 16, chris, 21 (fucked up huh?)
9. Pets : 2 dogs, a cat, a rabbit, and ..a pig...
10. Zodiac Sign: meh
11. Righty or Lefty: righty i guess

********************YOUR LOOKS*********************

12. Hair color: brown..ish
13. Eye color: blue green grey.. ish?
14. Height: 5'3" ish?
15. Do u wear contacts or glasses: neither
16. Do you have any piercings: 9 in my ears, one in my lip, more to come
17. Where do you want it to be, if you want more?: eyebrow.. and.. uh other stuff
18. Do you have a tattoo: nope
19. If so what and where: i said no damit
20. Do you wear any rings: yeah one.. but for some reason its not on my finger right now.. sh!t
21. Do you have a certain fashion you follow: T's, jeans, hoodie, comfy modrobes, wikkid sox

******************JUST LATELY***********************

22. How are you today: fukin bored
23. What pants are you wearing right now: none
24. What shirt are you wearing right now: none
25. What underwear are you wearing right now: none
26. What does your hair look like at the moment: messy
27. What song are u listening to right now: something good
28. What was the last thing u ate: tacos? :\
29. How is the weather right now: who cares
30. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? jenn?
31. Last Dream you can remember: it was fuked up, thats all i know
32. Who are you talking to right now: no one.. i'm appearing offline so i don't have to make conversation..
33. What time is it:

***************MORE ABOUT YOU!*****************

34. What are the last four digits of your phone number: 2967
35. If you were any color crayon, what color would you be: Black, red, uh..
36: ever almost died: maybe once.. or twice
37. Do u like the person that sent u this? nope.. no really  i dont, lol
38. Oreo: where the fuk did that come from
39. What makes you happy: music, movies, partyin, ppl that dont piss me off too much
40. What cd are you going to buy next: duno
42. What's the best advice ever given to you: i dont take advice
43. Have u ever won any special award: not that i can remember
44. What are your future goals?: stuff
45. Do u like to dance: when im drunk.. maybe
46. Worst sickness you've ever had: im always sick
47. What's the stupidest thing you've ever done?: i do stupid sh!t everyday, you think i'd remember?
48. What's your favorite memory: i have too many of those too
49. If u could change one thing about yourself what would it be?: nothing.. i suck, i can accept that.
50. Where do you shop the most: i buy stuff.. plain and simple
51. How many kids do you want to have: dont talk to me about kids please...fukers
52. Son's name: i said no
53.Daughter's name: i said no damnit
54. Do you do drugs: sometimes
55. Do you drink: often
56. What kind of shampoo and conditioner do you use: who cares?
57. What sport do you hate the most: i duno, there are some pretty stupid ones
58. What are you most scared of: wouldnt know
59. How many TV's do you have in your house: 6?
60. Do you have your own? yeah
61. Phone line?: nah
62. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal: not willingly!
65. Who do you tell your dreams to? whoever i feel like..
66. Who's the loudest friend you have: whitney
67. Who's the quietest friend: not sure i have one lol
68. Is Cheerleading a sport?: lmao..
70. Which came first, the chicken or the egg: aahhh
****************YOU and LOVE************************

71. Do you believe in Love: meh
72. Do you have a girlfriend or boyfriend: meh
73. Do you have a crush: yeah.
74. Who is your crush: wut r u stoopid? lol
75. Did you send this to your crush: i didnt send it to anyone
76. Do you believe in Love at first sight: lust maybe.. duno about that other sh!t
77. Where would you like to go on your honeymoon: who cares
78. What song do you want played at your wedding: fuk do i care
79. What's the first thing you notice about the opposite sex: Style, eyes, whatever
80. Longest crush: duno
81. Are you shy to ask someone out: ya sure why not
82. Who do u want to spend the rest of your life with: me
83. Do you find yourself attractive: nah
84. Do you find yourself ugly: no.
85. Do others find you attractive: Doubt it..

***************WHICH IS WORSE?**********************

86. Making out with Marilyn Manson or Rob Zombie: uhhhhh manson if i HAVE to choose.
87. Whats worse having your tonsils or appendix removed: no idea, i've still got all my body parts..

*****ON GUYS FOR GIRLS TO FILL OUT (for girls only)******

88. Boxers or briefs: who cares
89. Curly or straight hair: straight i guess
90. Tall or short: taller than me?
91. Six pack or muscular arms: dont care
92. Good or bad guys: bad
93. Hat or no hat: dont matter
94. Ears pierced or not: meh, dont matter
95. tan or no tan: dont matter
96. Dimples or not: dont matter
97. Stubble or neatly shaven? shaven i guess
98. Rugged or sport: meh
100. Glasses?: meh
101. Smart or dumb: a bit of both?
102. What sport should he play: dont care
103. Dependent (whipped) or independent: he can be whatever the fuk he wants to be, lol

******ON GIRLS FOR GUYS TO FILL OUT (for guys only)*********

104. Sandals or thongs:
105. Painted nails or not:
106. Regular or sports bra:
107. Bra straps showing or not:
108. Cute n' mysterious or wild n' sexy:
109. Dark or blonde hair:
110. Long or short hair:
111. Curly or straight hair:
112. Dark, light, or crazy cool eyes:
113. Long or short nails:
114. Hat or no hat:
115. Good or bad girl:
116. Hair up or down:
117. Jewelry or none:
118. Tall or short:
119. Pants or dress:
120. Tan or fair:
121. Glasses:
122. Pretty indoor chick or crazy party chick:
123. Freckles or none:
124. Shy or outgoing :
125. Funny or always cool:
126. Talkative or shy:

***********PICK ONE: THIS OR THAT********************

127. Lights on/off: off
128. Sun or rain: both? i dunooo
129. McDicks(mcdonalds) or BK(burger king): duno
130. Do u like scary or happy movies better: i like movies.
131: backstreet Boys or NSYNC: kill them all.. fuk
132. On the phone or in person: in person or internet.
133. Paper or plastic: paper
134. Sausage or pepperoni:
135. Summer or winter: summer can get too hot, winter can get too cold......??
136. Hugs or kisses: hugs.. that lead to kisses
137. Chocolate or white milk: chocolate
139. Glass half full or half empty: i smashed it..
140. CD or Tape: cd
141. Tape or DVD: dvd
142. Cats or Dogs:
143. Mud or Jell-O wrestling:  jellllo
144. Vanilla or Chocolate: chocolate
45. Skiing or Boarding: skating?
146. Day or night: night
147. Cake or pie: i want both
l48. Diamond or pearl: diamond
149. sunset or sunrise: sunsets i gues

****************YOUR FAVORITES*******************

150. Color: Red, Black, Silver, Blue
151. food: ...food?
152. Fast Food: food!
153. Candy: food!
154. Flavor: duno
155. Sport: dunooo
157. station.: radio stations suck nowadays
158. song: thousands..
159. band: hundreds...
160. number: millions?
161. Actor or actress:
162. Fav. Month: october?
163. show: that 70's show, the simpsons, family guy, something that doesnt SUCK
164. Board Game: bored games are boring
165. Saying: im sure u can guess a few from readin this thing

*******************EVER***********************

166. Loved someone so much it makes you cry: nah
167. Drank: LMFAO! All the time!!!
168. Broken the law: often.
169. Ran from the cops: nope
170. Stole something: yup, probably
171. Tried to kill yourself: nah

******** ****YOUR VIEWS ON...****************
Life: sucks, deal with it
Death: sucks, deal with it
Love: sucks, deal with it

*************ON A FINAL NOTE***************

Do you like filling these out: no.. but i just can't help it..
Do you want your friends to write back: whatever.
Who is least likely to respond? who cares
Who is most likly to respond: WHO CARES

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~